The Man Behind The Nothing

I am going to introduce myself and briefly list my achievements.

My name is Dr Naven Naidoo, founder of Boys Against Gym (BAG) and chairman of the Society of Considerate, Understanding Men (S.C.U.M). I have a PhD in changing the game. I died in 2003. When the doctor delivered me I didn't cry like babies do. I only said, "Put me back." I am tall, successful and dishonest. In 2011, I was voted Time magazine's Christian Of The Year. My body is just 14 well-coordinated rats piloting a corpse. My father threw me into a volcano and now I'm back for revenge. In my spare time, I work at the greatest charity of all: me. I have a rash that glows in the dark. The movie Magic Mike is about me. I was cursed by a gypsy to live for a thousand years, but with this face. I stopped growing at 12 because I'm afraid of heights. I was raised on a secret island to become the ultimate fashion icon. I know the truth about girls. Most people know me as "Hey, stop that!" For legal reasons, the bank will be a witness at my wedding. The most endorsements I get on LinkedIn are for losing things and breaking stuff. I work for a large, sinister organization. They send me on dangerous solo missions, hoping I die in the enchanted forest. Enemies are everywhere; they do not deter me. Only I can effectively challenge the status quo. It comes at a great personal cost. I haven't slept since 1996. I am the first and only man to be given time off work for having Napoleon Complex. I invented headphones. Before that, people would tape speakers to their head, running long cables between their house and the shop where they work. My IQ is 1000000. Please buy my bestselling fragrance: Regret™ By Naven Naidoo.

I hope this has helped you get to know me. Thanks.